


Bless Thy Hartwood Floors

by sushicorps (Inclinant)



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Fluff and Humor, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:50:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4117594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Inclinant/pseuds/sushicorps
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Eggsy just happens to bruise easily, is temporarily living over at Harry’s house for reasons and is hell bent on cleaning out every inch of the attic after seeing the disastrous condition of it. </p><p>On his hands and knees if he has to.</p><p>Harry would really like to know why everyone has been giving him carpet samples and making suggestions about changing his hardwood floors.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bless Thy Hartwood Floors

**Author's Note:**

> Crosspost from tumblr (@secondarysushicorps) because I figured I should get my stuff in order.
> 
> The title is terrible but I just couldn't.

The thing is, Harry’s house just happened to be a convenient location to stay over in while the works on his home was being done. Eggsy had really just wanted a new nursery for Daisy, but since they were already renovating, why not go all out? Or so Harry had somehow convinced him. Hence the full-scale renovation and him bunking over at Harry’s house for the week.

Also, Harry’s attic is really like shit. It’s all dusty and items are strewn everywhere like a miniature explosion had gone off in it. Actually know what? Knowing Harry, one of those fucking lighters  _had_ probably exploded in here.  
  
So Eggsy figures tit for tat and since Harry’s doing him a favour, he’ll just do one back for him even though he’s all “It’s fine, Eggsy, a gentleman  _blah blah blah_ ” and the likes when he mentions it. And _of bloody course_  the damn place is so dusty and built in such a _shite_  way that he has to go down on his hands and knees just to reach the corners. Harry’s got to be a difficult prick even when it comes to his bloody house, it seems.

* * *

Kay’s the first one to notice during a sparring session one hot summer afternoon where the a/c’s broken down. You’d think an international spy organisation would be as adept at maintaining their facilities as the crazy newfangled spy equipment they keep giving them, but  _no._  It’s going to take a day for the freaking repairs to be done and after three bouts in, Kay has stripped off his t-shirt and Eggsy’s in nothing but his berms.  
  
That’s when he notices the dark bruises around his knees and how banged up his elbows are and it makes no sense because they’re fighting on mats and there’s no reason for Eggsy to be that badly bruised - they haven’t even done any throws.  
  
“Gawain, are you alright?” He asks, just to check.

Eggsy looks perplexed at his concern.   
  
“Yeah bruv, I’m fine, good to go for a couple more rounds even.”

Kay leaves it at that, but just so happens to mention it casually to Tristan over drinks one night.  
  
So Tristan is the next one to notice. He notices it during a a regular underwater training session and when Eggsy is stripping out of his wetsuit, he just happens to think of what Kay has said and looks over and sure enough, there are dark, splotchy yellow and purple bruises all around his knees and it’s really,  _really_  oddly localised.  
  
He doesn’t say anything, because it's probably not his place to pry anyway, but brings it up with Merlin, asking him to look into it in Gawain’s next medical check up.  
  
Merlin thinks nothing of it, thinks his two agents are overreacting, but Eggsy’s due for a medical soon anyway so he just calls him in for the standard tests. He’s reviewing the footage when he happens to see the bruising too and understands what Kay and Tristan have been worried about. The condition of their active field agents is Kingsman’s top priority and Merlin immediately gets down to business trying to figure out what could be causing it - Eggsy hasn’t been sent on any mission requiring intense fighting lately, and the routine training and practice should have done nothing to warrant injuries like these...  
  
For some reason, Merlin keeps thinking of the fucking hardwood floors in Harry’s house.

 _Oh god why,_ he thinks and closes the file to bury his head in his hands, then he turns to his computer to pull up Furniture Village’s website. It's his job to ensure the tip-top condition of all their field agents, even if it meant preventing situations like...like _this._

* * *

The nature of Kingsman itself means that every single job within it requires highly trained, skilled and intelligent individuals.

Essentially, no one there are idiots.

It doesn’t take much to put two and two together.

* * *

“I was online and found a store having a discount,” Merlin says as he slides a printout over the desk and Harry picks it up to see long lists of carpet products.

“Why were you browsing a…furniture catalog?”

“Thought of getting new carpets myself. You should too,” Merlin shrugs and turns to leave his office, nonchalantly taking a sip out of his mug as he does so.  
  
The next day, Kay swings by and pokes his head into his office to tell him a long, long,  _long_ story about how the hardwood floors in his home were too smooth or something or other and how he nearly slipped and cracked his head and therefore, Harry ought to really get carpets for his home just to, you know, take care and prevent any _unwanted injuries._

He goes out for a drink with Percival and Tristan and halfway through the night, they start talking about wood types of all things and the discussion evolves into how different wooden floors can leave different bruise patterns if one happens to be kneeling on it. Harry can appreciate the practical application of this discussion, but it would be really nice if they stopped pointing out how the mahogany used in his own home tends to leave more bruises than other woods in every other sentence of their conversation.  
  
Bedivere just looks at Eggsy, who’s just happens to also be in Harry’s office, the entire time when he drops off a voucher to some fancy carpet shop he _just happened_ to have.

When a recruit delivers a whole book of carpet samples to his desk, Harry figures out something is clearly off about the entire organisation’s sudden overwhelming interest in his wooden flooring. He’s on the way to go confront Merlin for an explanation when he runs into Eggsy in the corridor and the other is soaking wet and naked except for a towel around his waist.

“Uh hi,” Eggsy says, looking very much like the metaphorical deer in headlights. It's an oddly suiting description with his dark blond hair fluffed up on the sides and his slightly drooping hazel eyes wide.  
  
“Eggsy,” Harry greets, raising an eyebrow and Eggsy's face freezes in a sheepish smile. Then he makes an exasperated noise and nearly throws his arms up in the air, except the towel starts slipping down his hips again and his hands fly back down to grip it tightly.

“JB stole my fuckin’ clothes from the shower,” Eggsy sighs and thinking back, Harry does recall that problematic pug dashing down the corridor with a bundle in its mouth.  
  
He makes a mental note to himself to pick up dog treats on the way home tonight.   
  
“I’ll just be on my way yeah?” Eggsy says and is about to dash off when Harry catches sight of something dark on his elbow and grabs him by the arm.  
  
It’s a bruise.   
  
Eggsy follows his gaze and shrugs, gesturing to his other elbow and knees. “I bruise easy that’s all.  Been clearing out your attic. The low ceiling and wood flooring ain’t helping too.”

Harry just _stares_ because _everything makes so much fucking sense now._

”Somethin’ wrong?” Eggsy asks, frowning a little in concern.  
  
“I think that the entire office is under the impression that we’ve been engaged in fellatio all week.”

“What.”  
  
“Admittedly, it is an easy enough misunderstanding to get. It is also a prospect that, in hindsight, is most unfortunate that we never explored.”  
  
“Harry, are you telling me the whole of Kingsman thinks we’ve been fucking on your wooden floors?” Eggsy says and then looks thoughtful. “No wonder Rox suddenly added new carpets to the renovation list…"

" _Wait,_ are you telling me you want to fuck me on your wooden floors?”  
  
Harry inclines his head. “Well,I’ve been duly advised that my mahogany floors have a high likelihood of causing deep bruising upon heavy imapct and I should get it carpeted first before engaging in any intense activity on its surface.”  
  
Eggsy just stares at Harry for a beat.

“Fuck the carpet, I don’t mind a bruise or two,” He says and pulls Harry in by his tie for a kiss.

The room they end up stumbling over each other into ends up being a room with a _carpet._ Harry only has a second to appreciate the fantastic irony of the whole situation before Eggsy is all too enthusiastically threading deft fingers through his belt loops and ripping down the zipper of his trouser with his _teeth_  as the towel slowly slides off his hips.  
  
The next day, Harry finds a printout of cushion products on his desk and a note going: Carpets may be a step up from hardwood floors but they still cause a nasty case of rug burn.


End file.
